Diary Of A Sentimental Heart: Part 6.

the story of the big first dating experience, pre-emptive heartbreak and the classic Joni Mitchell sad girl soundtrack

Magda Butrym shot by Lukasz Wierzbowski

Ever since I was about 8 I’ve been an avid diary writer. Whether that’s my paper diary that I keep on my person at all times for general weekly plans and calendar appointments (it’s never ever worth asking me what I’m up to next week without it, I will not be able to tell you- it’s truly my significant other) or the Jacqueline Wilson diaries I used to receive every Christmas, which I’m pretty sure is where it all began- my love of documenting life in a funny little autobiographical sense has always been ingrained into me (some may say self indulgent, I say poetic!) You’d think I might have converted to my iPhone by now, but I just. can’t do. IT. After seeing Paul Smith do a talk once about his beloved paper diary, I was sold and committed and it’s been this way ever since- if it’s good enough for Paul, it’s good enough for me.

Anyway, whilst rereading some of these entries can be transportive to a time that was steeped in uncertainty or sadness, it’s a reminder of the often unconventional journey I’ve been on and the lessons I’ve gratefully collected along the way. It reminds me how feelings are so often fleeting, and the trickier moments can be navigated and don’t last forever- even when it feels like they might. Writing a caption on Instagram or creating a 30 second reel to summarise a month really only captures certain flavours of a time, but getting to really remember how something felt to me (even if I know better now, or feel differently) always feels like a really intimate thing.

So it’s strange going back to a time that was muddled in a true contrast of excitement and anxiety. I feel like maybe for four months my hands were in a perpetual state of clamminess (chic) and after feeling stable for so long in what now feels like a previous life, I was metaphorically climbing over rocks discovering what a new chapter might look like, and how to navigate situations I hadn’t been in for years (which made me feel both terribly infant at times and also confident in a way that I’ve learnt to trust myself deeply) and how listening to both your heart and gut is a really important thing.