Diary Of A Sentimental Heart: Part 4.

a non-guide of what to do when you download a dating app for the first time (panic), want to remain deep in your comfort zone (stay) and only have Nora Ephron standards (adjust)...

A bed where I would have happily wallowed in self pity! Gleneagles Townhouse in Edinburgh, and arguably one of the most beautiful places I’ve stayed at

Over the last couple of years, I feel like I found myself jokingly (half jokingly) saying AM I THE DRAMA?! every time I’ve filled a friend in on what was going on in my life. Not helped by my poor timekeeping, I’ve found myself arriving fifteen minutes late to near enough anywhere (which I assure you is not something I wear as any kind of badge of honour and every week is a new week where I am working! on! it!) and accidentally become a bit of a spectacle as I sit down, flushed cheeks and messy hair ready to fill people in on the last however long- before reality catches up and I think, oh shit, am I… the chaotic friend?! (as T.S would say, it’s me, I’m, I’m the chaos it’s me).

I can’t wait for a catch up with friends where I have absolutely nothing of note to say. No news here! No big headlines, flashing lights or *PERSONAL UPDATES!!*. I can talk about the menu in front of us, mull over whether I want bread as well as the burrata that comes with bread and even maybe offer an agony aunt shoulder to somebody else in a way that only comes with experience and a sense of knowing that my chaos has finally converted to something useful.

Anyway- these entries sum up some of that funny transitional time in limbo. A period where although nobody ever said it, the insecure part of me almost felt like my life became entertainment and absolutely solid gossip. Maybe that’s an egotistical thing to say or presume (and the fact I’ve even typed it gives me the self-inflicted ick) but there’s something about a big life shift or upheaval which makes you want to hold on to the anchors of your existence a little bit tighter and the thought of people chatting about that feels quite weird (even though it’s human and literally what we all do). It’s navigating when your sense of self is pulled into question and everything you’ve known so far skews a little and you start having to figure things out all over again. Calling it a rebirth seems a bit deep but it’s almost like you re-enter adulthood as a wobbly-legged foal, unable to walk with stride or confidence yet- but hoping that you’ll get there and find that again soon.